HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS

 Padma and I were married over three decades back in Varanasi in May when the temperature hovers above 40 degrees Centigrade. The total attendees were not more than 25. The priests chanted all the prayers probably required under Brahma Marriage (first of the 8 types of marriage under Manusmriti). It was spread over two days where Padma and I sat in front of the holy fire and inhaled good quantity of ghee laden smoke.  In the afternoon, the priest told us to take a Tonga ride to the Varanasi Vishwanath Temple – all by ourselves- which was the first time I spoke to her ( I officially  held her hands  earlier during the Panigrahanam ceremony). At night , after chanting some more prayers and inhaling additional  ghee laden smoke, he showed us the Arundhati star, gave us a exquisite tasting Paan ( betel leaf with areca nut and other sweet ingredients)  advised us to enter grahsthashram in a more active manner (rather than just holding hands and conversing during Tonga ride).

This was the start of a new and the most important relationship of our lives. Two total strangers selected on a random elimination process (star, horoscope, sub caste) staying 2000 kms away from each other were directed to make certain vows and start their life together. Are arranged marriages(defined in Wikipedia as “a practice in which someone other than the couple getting married makes the selection of person to be wed, meanwhile curtailing or avoiding the process of courtship”) the sole example of important relationships in life commencing due to caprice of fate or chance?

Swami Udit Chaitanya  (don’t think ‘Oh God! Not that Swamiji again’ , he is a bright chap and does not keep flowing beard and wear white Egyptian Cotton dresses) says that children chose their parents. The souls in transit from one life to another (some what like Hritik Roshan searching for next magnum opus after Agneepath) and searches for an appropriate home. If they like the choice they have exercised, then they continue there. If not they leave this home and go elsewhere.  When I first heard this, I remembered the smile of our Grandson Shivam when he first saw us few hours after he was born.   Did we exercise similar choice ? Were there better choices ? Quite intriguing questions if Swamiji’s theory is correct.

My earliest memories include my elder brother. He tells me that when visitors threatened to take me away (when I was a new born) he would protest vociferously. The protective spirit is inherent in a blood relationship. I  remember my brother instinctively holding my wrist when crossing the road even when not needed. But what is more important is the implanted instinct to protect, support, cheer and in short share with the siblings at all the great and  not so moments of life. While as a concept it is easily understood by all, its’ implementation is  sometimes sparsely seen. When this spirit exists, then it does represent the most valuable element of our existence. With such a backing, anyone can face the world in times to crisis. I speak from personal experience. This makes all the difference when faced with difficult decision points in life.

The next set of relationship is with the larger extended family around us. In Indian context, it means uncles, aunts, cousins, their respective spouses and so on from your parent’s side and spouse’s side. Considering the lack of employment opportunities in villages, most of these relatives would be settled in different cities and meeting them would in marriages (unlike mine) or such functions or rare sojourns to these places. In such cases, distance does not necessarily make the heart grow fonder. The closeness emerges from facing common issues in life- teenage children, higher education, marriage, grand children, health, aged parents and so on.  Age, experience  and existence  of unmarried adult children is a great leveler.

For consummating marriages there are enough examples of ‘off line network’  (mostly of women who have astounding memory for details of relatives and their children- especially awaiting the throes of marriage) which can beat SMS or Tweets in terms of speed and completeness. (“Laxmi’s daughter is 2.., just back from States , not so dark, but good income…’).

 In the late afternoon of life, we are able to relax and exchange notes on our experiences ,idiosyncrasies (‘I drink one litre of water in the morning’), views and what we desire for our children. My belief is that with cousins we are able to identify some  common weaknesses and strength by instinct and thereby share a bond which can be renewed even after gaps in time. There is  pleasure in meeting close relatives during various visits to South India (where most of our relatives live) as there is a sense of belonging to a larger family and shared memories.

Relationship with parents is complex and continues even after they leave us in a permanent manner. I remember reading the following on some occasion. When we are small kids, our parents are Gods, they can do anything. When we grow up a little, we know that they are not Gods. When we cross teenage , we hate them and quarrel with them as they seem to  have wrong and outdated ideas. When they grow older, we start loving them again. After they pass away, we pardon or forget all their weaknesses and  say there are none like them. Our father mellowed by the time grandchildren were born and they benefited from it. He left behind a positive impression and influence on them.

While we are always parents for our children, the nature of relationship evolves or changes over time. The emotional aspect of the relationship is complex and very subjective. Every parent dreams big for their progeny  (in a material world IIT, IIM, MBA, CA and so on and then to be a good human being). At some juncture we realize the finiteness of the dream and attempt to reconcile. The more difficult part is the mutual expectations and how to meet them.  In today’s situation of nuclear family and longevity of age, it is not uncommon for a parent to have children who served and superannuated in the normal course. In other words, a parent witnesses a large part of their progeny’s life cycle. How does one sustain a relationship over such long periods when confronted with the compulsions of own life?  We see many examples of  senior citizens who prefer the comfort of familiar surroundings of the place where they have lived all their life rather than re-locate to where their progeny lives.  The situation is more complex in case of children living/settled overseas and parents being needed for looking after grand children.

Relationship is about making life more beautiful to live. It is about there being more human beings who care about all of us. It also means that a meaningful effort needs to be put in to nurture and sustain any relationship over a long period of time. It becomes very relevant in today’s context when our children are growing in an environment where education, employment, material success take precedence over everything. Being emigrants and living  in other than the home state or abroad shrinks the circle of families who know you and more importantly whom you know. The pleasure to joining a celebration with others who share many matters and memories with you cannot be substituted very easily.

Lastly only when you love your own people would you know how to love others around you.

What do you feel?

 

Coimbatore Days

 The linguistic separation of states has imprinted some distinctive character to each State in India. Tamil Nadu’s distinction (in my mind) is its’ love for larger than life film stars (mostly average looking), a rather chauvinistic love for Tamil as a language, a determined ignorance and a seeming contempt of all other Indian languages, a fascination with fair skin, unceasing attachment to traditions, great awareness of their rights, economically priced materials of daily use and political largesse for odd items like grinder, TV and so on.

After my daughter started living in Coimbatore (post marriage), I became better acquainted with the State in general and Coimbatore (CBE in brief hereafter) in particular. CBE has a balmy climate, winter rainfall, good connections thru air, bus and train. It was industrialized long back and hence has a dominant business community. It still retains (in a limited extent now) a sense of small town with the benefits of a larger city. The bus service is quite enviable, but sometimes requires change over. Autos are in plenty, but overcharge to a ridiculous extent. Minimum fare is not less than Rs. 30. Radio taxis are available but with some prior notice. Their charges are more reasonable – around Rs. 11 per km.

The area around race course is occupied by Army cantonment (very nicely kept), old money, and very modern apartment blocks which cost around Rs. 7 to Rs. 8 million on an average.  Real estate is a prominent part of the local industry as it is now in any Indian town. Old row houses and new apartment blocks jostle each other.  Auto drivers still ask is it Apartment as though it is a new arrival on the scene.

STREET SCENE ON THE WAY TO AN APARTMENT

The recent Mullaperiyar dam issue has stopped interstate transport with Kerala. It seems very shortsighted as the two States are intricately connected in terms of trade and commerce.  I had to travel to Palakkad- a Kerala town 60 kms away- and understood firsthand the problems created by this interstate dispute. The Tamil Nadu bus stopped at Walayar- the forested border of TN and we had to walk briskly to Kerala to catch some private buses standing there to take passengers to Kerala. This turned out to be local bus which stopped at intervals of thirty seconds for the next one hour. I had to go standing for an hour.

My grandson studies in a newly founded school (2007). There are only 20 students in the Junior KG class with two teachers and several maids. It follows IB (International Baccalaureate) curriculum which emphasizes on activities along with education.  The School is run by a young individual who had worked abroad and now gives personal attention to it. The School has branches in some other TN towns also.  This is a model replicated by several other larger school chains in different TN towns.  Obviously, these Schools charge market driven fees (still lesser than Mumbai, in my view) and still have to turn away parents coming for their ward’s admission at the last moment.  

The establishment of such high end Schools reflect the growing economic strength of non metro towns and the willingness of a largely conservative population to value good quality education.  There are several other indicators of economic growth such as the ubiquitous malls, traffic snarls, multi storied apartment blocks, crowded buses, bustling temples and so on.  I feel that India’s future is in such semi metros.

CBE has separate shops selling fresh vegetables and fruits (called Pazhamudir Cholai) at market prices. These are reasonably large format shops and attract good crowd. We do not have such exclusive shops in Mumbai. I think Pazhamudir Cholai (try to pronounce it right at first try) have cracked the formula for handling perishables economically.

Medical tourism is another attraction in CBE. There are four or five  big hospitals only for eye care- Shanker Netralaya, Arvind Eye hospital, Eye foundation. I spotted a Kidney Centre, Diabetic care centres, Thyroid treatment  and so on. There are also fully fledged hospitals.  Due to prevailing competition , the charges are also reasonable.

A cousin informed me that his employer (an IT Organization) employs 8000 persons in Coimbatore. To me it seems a large number. TN has a large number of Engineering colleges (education is big business which the Government and Courts refuse to recognize) which need capacity utilization. The last academic year has witnessed sharp drop in admissions due to indifferent quality of output (manufacturing defect – to use an engineering term). Only 15 % of the Engineering graduates are employable. Rest are said to be useless. Even these 15% undergo significant amount of training. So large training campuses are being  proudly displayed by Infosys and its competitors as a key differentiator the above mentioned cousin told me that  entry level recruitment runs somewhat on following lines.

Q . What is your name?

A. My name is J……N.

(Candidate pass)

Q. What is your name?

A.  My….. (Not clear what the question is or how to answer)

(Candidate needs further drilling or is rejected)

How quality is maintained if the intake is of such indifferent quality? Well, out of 100 candidates, it is  enough if 15 is good . They would carry the rest. This is quite understandable in Indian context.

Another cousin mentioned a more interesting sequence of events. It seems during college days speaking in a language other than  Tamil invites tart comments.  After completing the course, a group of students went to Bangalore to search for employment. They reached Bangalore and sought directions to prospective employer. Tamil is not a popular language in Karnataka due to some politicized issue. So speaking in Tamil did not evoke any response. Since they were not comfortable with any other language, they returned without even without seeking out prospective employers. While this may be an exaggerated version, the fact still remains that most Tamilians do not know the language of their neighboring states, whereas in Mumbai at least  most dwellers would be comfortable with Marathi, Hindi and understand Gujarati well.

The Airport is undergoing vast renovation – mostly completed- and looks modern. The return flight was almost full with lots of suited Kanhaiyas on business trip. Taj has opened a new hotel and so has some other global chain.

Lastly, CBE has good old age homes also. I visited one during a previous visit . It had amenities to make life easy to live for aged human beings along with extracurricular activities  to spent time in an interesting manner. Some of them are heavily advertised on TV every day (to my daughter in law Priya’s  eternal irritation on seeing a senior woman citizen exclaim “what a life”). I was informed that the charges are Rs. 18 lacs plus reimbursement of some recurring expenses. Reflecting a truly Indian spirit, Padma feels that we could invest in one unit of such old age home and it would appreciate like real estate. I think all profits are to the promoters of such old age home and not to its investors.

So CBE has the full circle of facilities to meet human needs- schools to old age homes- along with good climate also. Why is it relevant?

I have spent almost all my life in a Metro and we start thinking that it is possible to live only in Mumbai  or some such metro city. I have heard this many times and experienced it  when searching for suitable marriage alliances of my children and relatives.  It simply is not true.  There are many such good cities in India which now offer good  opportunities and which are bound to grow along with India’s economic dream run (when compared to rest of the world).  What compels emigrants like us to stay in Mumbai is sheer economic need and acceptance of a way of life which we believe does not exist elsewhere ( an Indian emigrant to New York or London used to say this for a long time- not now). That would change in future.

The Jet lite flight took off from CBE ten minutes before time, circled over Mumbai for thirty minutes (VIP movement was the reason given) and the announcement on landing was  “we are happy to announce right time landing of our flight…”. There were five counters for radio cabs and one came within two minutes of reaching the taxi stand.  

We are back in Mumbai.